Fourteen Insidious Perspectives for Life

Our perspectives shape the experience of the life we lead. Many times we feel sort of trapped in a cycle of behaviors, outcomes, and even expectations. In most cases, without a solid foundational set of values that complements the flow of life, we find ourselves under the sway of insidious perspectives that shape our experience in life negatively. In this article, we introduces Albert Ellis, a renowned psychotherapist, who gives a summary of 14 self-defeating values we tend to follow. These core ideas are not only harmful in that they mold our worldview but also become characteristics of our personality. The longer we are bound to these subtly deceitful rules, the longer it is that we identify with them and allow them to direct our life in damaging ways. 

Other people must always approve of me

Generally, people tend to think that to be an amiable person you have to appease what others think of you. To be likable and respected you try to act out behaviors and expressions that don’t align with who you are. However, the reality is that not everyone who is always trying to gain approvable wins at obtaining respect and social position among others. You need to balance between being your authentic self and being amicable. The scale can easily tip over and you start to feel uncomfortable in your own identity and personality. 

I should feel traumatized by my troublesome past

Trauma is truly something that can stick with a person for a really long time if not treated. A lot of people forget what it is like to be without the trauma and they begin to identify with it so much so that it becomes who they are and dominates over every other self-identification. Trauma usually has a negative history and when you hold on to that history for such a long time you are actively disallowing yourself any opportunity to grow and heal. You can get stuck in the same thought patterns, behaviors, and identification that you miss out on living life in a positive direction.

Things must always turn out as I expect them to be

Putting your happiness at the mercy of the way life unravels is quite the way to lead a gloomy life. Idealism, perfection, and having things be always in order is a rigid way of holding on to time, and not respecting that change is the motion of life. If you are to become a stronger and more fulfilled person then you must adapt to changes and begin to expect that anything can happen and it will definitely disappoint us. Don’t allow rigidity to control your perspective of the world because it is actively at odds with the nature of the course of life and its continuously unfolding unexpected events.

I must avoid being negatively judged or disliked

Just as in insidious rule 1, to avoid being judged negatively is a sign of a low-confidence. One must realize that what others think of you is their own opinion. You cannot change everyone’s opinion on who you are because you have confidence in yourself. When you don’t operate based on confidence and healthy self-esteem you become preoccupied with what the world thinks of you. It’s a defense mechanism that you learn to protect yourself from harm but you shouldn’t always live in a defensive mode. Allow yourself to be naturally confident and that will change your whole perspective.

I must succeed in all that I do to be a valuable person

It is a healthy option to take life a little less seriously than usual every once in a while. Like taking a break, one should recognize their efforts even when unsuccessful. Life isn’t the cut-throat race and battle our modern mentality makes it out to be. It is all about balance. Being either unmotivated or too absorbed can be extremely detrimental to both your physical and mental wellbeing. You might find yourself rolling climbing to the highest pinnacles only to discover that there isn’t any tangible reward at the end. The only true reward is the experience and journey that you have had through it all.

It is other people’s responsibility to ensure I am happy

It is most definitely not that anyone is responsible for your happiness and that is because your happiness is your subjective experience. Now, it is also true that life events and people can impact you radically, however, you always have the power to be whoever you want to be. All it takes is accountability, maturity, and responsibility coming from your part. This rule drives many people into codependency and childish attitudes that seem to shelter them from reality. Always be grounded and learn to evolve seeking your own happiness.

People that don’t make me happy must always be punished

This trait is called spitefulness and it is spiteful indeed. Some people go out of their way to pay back or punish other people in any way possible. It is a selfish, entitled, and ego-centric characteristic to have and makes life tastelessly hard. You have agency over your happiness and can create your own fulfillment.

People who are professionals know greater things than I do

The notion that only authorities can have an opinion on certain matters is false. Throughout history, people tend to put professionals on high pedestals only to discover that these people are no different than they are. They actually tend to be selling themselves seeing how popular and lucrative the business of selling authority can be. One must develop their own sense of judgment, critical thinking, and experience-based credentials to experience life.

My emotions are conditions that I am powerless to control

Mindfulness is critically important to get past this perspective because once you strengthen your mind you realize that emotions can be directed differently with hard work. The part of our brain responsible for processing emotions is called the limbic system and it also contains our emotional memories and traumas. You might find that you are overly emotional for the same reasons in your life but you never take the time to understand the core issues. Allow your time to heal your trauma memories that spark up unnecessary emotions and you will discover that you are always powerful enough to control your life.

I can feel happy in life without giving back in some way

We live in societies and communities and we are essentially social people. Recent culture can promote crude individualism but it will never change the biology and rules of our sociology. As part of a community, the only way to be complete and fulfilled is by generating, contributing, and creating. 

My behaviors today are due to experiences in the past

It could be a great start to treating your issues, fixing mistakes, and redirecting yourself but never a good excuse. To be an honorable person, you must take accountability for all your actions; good and bad. It lets you realistically view your actions and see where it is that you might need development. Being stubborn about wrong behavior has consequences that both you and the people you know will suffer from. Take the courage to criticize yourself and always hold yourself to higher but realistic standards.

I am entitled to a stress-free life devoid of hard labor

We wish to lead stress-free lives but we know that it costs a price; hard work. For those of us who disagree and actively strive for an easy life without any effort, life can get pretty unexpectedly hard. The unexpected comes from having no realistic and grounded expectations and the difficulty comes from not being prepared. To be prepared is to have expectations that will not always be in your favor and know that labor is the price one needs to pay to live stress-free. It’s a constant act of building a foundation on which one can settle on.

I cannot learn, grow, and become a better person

You see this mostly in people who simply give up when things assume difficulty or when they intentionally create obstacles in front of themselves like saying I’m too old. The negative ‘I can’t do’ mindset reflects in almost all your life domains that it becomes a staple of your life to think negatively. As long as you live, there is always the possibility for growth and becoming better.

Someone else must take responsibility for me

Maturity is when you look back at all figures of authority and realize that they do not know any better than you do. Only you can have the solutions to your life problems and only you can put in the effort to grow. This is not to be mistaken for getting help because aid is always needed in every part of our lives but the motivation, conviction, and responsibility comes from ourselves only.